


Legal Eagle

by Mums_the_Word



Series: Did I Ever Tell You? [3]
Category: White Collar
Genre: Gen, Lawyers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-08-10 19:13:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7857703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mums_the_Word/pseuds/Mums_the_Word
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A silver tongue, lots of half-truths (lies), and an abundance of misdirection are the hallmarks of a latent Neal persona. The con man has the chops for it, but Peter is not amused.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Legal Eagle

 

     Today, Peter and Neal found themselves in the most unusual location. If Peter’s navigation system was correct, he and his CI were very close to the tiny town of Altamont in Schuylkill County, Pennsylvania—population a rip-roaring 710. Actually, Peter amended that thought. Maybe they had already driven through that obviously “rural” metropolis, and hadn’t even realized it. But, no, “Siri,” bless her robotic little self, did some rapid recalculating and eventually found “Main Street” for them. It wasn’t hard to locate the jail or the courthouse. They were probably the most imposing buildings on the two-block expanse that constituted the heart of the town.

     Now, the reason that they were in this tiny little hamlet was because the prime witness—actually, the _only_ witness—in their case against a treasonous subversive was currently under arrest here. It had all started several months ago when a timid milquetoast named Donald Pelham called the FBI. He was a mainframe computer technician employed by IBM at their headquarters in Armonk, New York. Of course, IBM had built their reputation over the decades by manufacturing computers and adjunct hardware and software. However, they had gradually branched out, and saw new potential in offering infrastructure hosting and consulting services as well as nanotechnology.

     Pelham had inadvertently stumbled onto an associate’s scheme of selling nanotechnology secrets to a member of the People’s Republic of China. With much coaxing and some actual intimidation, Pelham helped set up the sting to enable the FBI to make an arrest. The trial was to start next week, but poor Donald had freaked out after receiving anonymous death threats, and took off like a bat out of hell.

     Unlike that old saying—“you can’t go home again,”—that is exactly what the frightened man did. He bought a gun that he didn’t know how to use, packed a suitcase with clean underwear, grabbed his temperamental, spoiled Chihuahua, and ran back to where he had been born and raised. His parents had been dead for years, but Pelham could never bring himself to sell the old place in this one-horse town. Therefore, everything remained exactly as it had been, both inside and out. That included a crotchety old woman who lived next door. She hadn’t liked Donald when he was growing up, and the passage of time had not mellowed her attitude.

     The real problem began when this nasty old lady called the local police to complain that Pelham’s dog had trespassed on her property and defecated, not just once, but twice, and the inconsiderate “squatter,” as she termed him, had not had the decency to clean it up. She also advised the local cops that he looked shifty and dangerous!

     Two uniformed patrolmen eventually responded and strode up to the small Pelham bungalow, intending to use their nightsticks to pound on the front door. However, their arrival was really inconvenient because at that particular point in time, Donald was seated in front of the television in the living room watching a DVD from his porn collection that had accompanied him from New York nestled amongst his tighty-whities. A very bodacious young thing was on the screen in the throes of an orgasm, and was moaning and screaming with lurid enthusiasm. The cops on the porch heard the shrieks and assumed that someone was either being murdered or dismembered on the premises, so they kicked in the door to save the day.

     Pelham was startled by the intrusion, to say the least, and instinctively removed his hand from his nether region to reach for his other “pistol” on the coffee table. In the meantime, the five-pound Chihuahua took offense to such rude behavior from unexpected guests and launched himself at one of the policemen, ferociously attaching his teeth to an ankle. Pelham managed to get off a harried, wild shot that took out the front window, while the cop dispatched the snarling black rat from his leg by shaking him off and dropkicking the fur ball against an adjacent wall.

     So, there you have the whole sorry scenario. Pelham was being charged with assault with a deadly weapon, and was being held without bail until he was arraigned in the traveling circuit court the next morning. Peter would have to tap-dance like crazy to try and make this whole thing go away. He could just imagine how obnoxious he would sound if he attempted to throw his Federal weight around. Local authorities had their pride, too, and, if they chose, they could get their backs up to make things extremely difficult. Neal just shook his head wryly, and told his handler confidently, “Leave it to me, Peter; I’ve got this!”

     Peter and Neal were allowed to meet with Pelham briefly, and then Neal disappeared on some errands around town. The two visitors finally were able to persuade a local resident with an extra room to rent it to them for the night. The next morning, Neal had foregone coaxing his hair into its usual neat appearance. Instead, he let unruly strands fall down to his eyebrows, making him look years younger. He then donned a conservative, dark pinstriped suit and white shirt. His tie was a muted gray, and there was an American flag pin in his lapel.

     Agent and CI presented themselves at the courthouse, but before the arraignment began, Peter made a temporary pit stop, prowling the corridors in search of the men’s room. When he returned to the courtroom, he discovered that Neal now stood beside a very nervous Donald Pelham with the proceedings already starting. Against his better judgment, Peter had to take a seat behind the railing. The Assistant District Attorney off to their right kept eyeing Neal and Pelham with speculation, but refrained from saying a word. Finally, everyone came to attention as the Honorable Judge William Henry Metcalf made his way to the bench with his black robe flying behind him.

     Judge Metcalf, slightly pudgy and balding, huffed a sigh. Today was opening day of hunting season, and he would have much preferred to be wearing camouflage and following his bird dogs with his Browning rifle rather than listening to people pontificate before him. He let his gaze roam over the clearly nervous defendant, and then took in the clean-cut young man beside him who looked so out-of-place in this little speck on the map.

     The proceedings started with the Assistant District Attorney identifying himself to the judge.

     “Elmer Nebbish representing the People, Your Honor,” he intoned solemnly.

     “I know who you are, Elmer,” Judge Metcalf said tiredly. “I’m more interested in who this here fella is beside the defendant.”

     “Thomas Jefferson Adams representing the defendant,” Neal told the judge. “But most people just call me TJ, Your Honor.”

     “Well, TJ, I don’t think that you have ever appeared before me,” the judge said with certainty.

     “No, Your Honor,” Neal agreed, “I have not had that privilege. Actually, Sir, this is my very first case, and, to tell you the truth, I’m a little bit nervous.”

     “What firm are you with, son?” His Honor queried.

     “I’m a Junior Associate with the firm of ‘Burke, Berrigan & Jones’ in Philadelphia. I know that I am rather far away from home, but the partners think that it is good experience for the associates to travel everywhere within the state to manage cases. I suppose that they consider it a rite of passage that builds character, Your Honor.”

     Meanwhile, Peter was stifling a moan by turning it into a cough after listening to Neal’s spiel. It was way too late to stop this runaway train! Was there a convenient hole nearby that he could crawl into without attracting attention?

     The judge didn’t notice Peter’s discomfort, but was rather intrigued with this raw legal fledgling. “Would you mind telling me where you went to law school, young man,” he asked curiously.

     “Penn State Dickinson in Carlisle, Pennsylvania,” Neal answered promptly, knowing that law school was also the judge’s alma mater.

     “Good school—a real good school! It turns out top-notch professionals,” the judge growled with pleasure. “So, gentlemen, let’s get this show on the road. Elmer, exactly what happened that caused the defendant to be arrested?”

     Elmer rambled on embellishing the facts. The defendant had shot at two Altamont police officers, endangering their lives, when they went to discuss a complaint from a neighbor. The officers had used exigent circumstances to enter the man’s home because they had reason to believe that someone was being tortured behind the door.

     Judge Metcalf then turned to Neal who definitively stated that his client was pleading “Not Guilty.”

     “Now how can that be, son?” the judge replied pedantically. “He either shot at them or he didn’t.”

     “If Your Honor will allow me some latitude,” Neal said respectfully, “I would like to get _all_ of the facts into evidence. I think when you are made aware of the circumstances, you will certainly agree that what my client did was justified and a matter of self-defense.”

     “So convince me, boy!” Neal now had the older man’s undivided attention.

     “Your Honor, my client, Donald Pelham, has no criminal record. He is gainfully employed by the IBM Corporation as a technological developer and analyst. The only complaint ever lodged against him was by a vindictive neighbor who told the police that his dog had strayed onto her property. Donald was unaware of her grievance, and was sitting peacefully with his dog in the living room of the home that he owns, innocently watching a movie. Suddenly, without any warning, his front door was kicked in and two unidentified men entered waving guns in their hands. Now, Your Honor, my client owns a small firearm that he keeps for protection. He purchased it legally, Sir, and has a permit to carry that weapon. Well, Your Honor, Donald feared for his life, and when one of those home invaders maliciously kicked his dog, he tried to do what any red-blooded American would do. He fired to protect himself and what was rightfully his.

     “Your Honor,” Elmer Nebbish interrupted, “that dog attacked the officer first!”

     Neal ignored the intrusion, as did the judge. “They _kicked_ his dog, Your Honor. They _kicked_ a small, defenseless five pound dog!” Neal’s face was the picture of outrage.

     He then held up an enlarged 11x14 glossy photo of a tiny and sad-looking Chihuahua with a huge white bandage on its front leg.

     “Pitiful, isn’t it, Judge? A grown man who wears a size 11 shoe felt it necessary to maim this poor animal,” Neal lamented. “I have actually advised my client to sue for damages for the veterinary bills as well as for the pain and suffering that this defenseless little creature has endured.”   

     Judge Metcalf looked over his half-glasses at Elmer Nebbish. “Tell me again why the police did not identify themselves before they burst in?”

     “Judge, they heard loud moaning and cries of distress, so they took _appropriate_ action,” Nebbish stressed.

     Neal countered that quickly. “Your Honor, my client was watching an independent art film, and perhaps the leading lady was over-eagerly emoting her role,” he said as he winked at the judge and waggled his eyebrows.

     “It was porn, Judge, pure and simple!” Nebbish cried.

     Neal looked aghast. “Have the law enforcement officers of this town suddenly expanded their roles so that they are now the morals police? And actually, what is porn, Sir? The Supreme Court had a lot of trouble defining it. Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart addressed that very issue in the 1964 obscenity case of _Jacobellis_ _v. Ohio_. He wrote in his short concurrence that ‘hard-core pornography’ was hard to define, but that ‘I know it when I see it!’ Perhaps Donald Pelham should have invited his guests into his home so that they could make that determination for themselves. Oh, but that’s right, they were too busy trying to shoot him to take the time to sit down with a bowl of popcorn."

     Without losing a step, Neal then continued with his diatribe.

     “Judge Metcalf, my client will agree that the volume level of his television was a tad high. But, in his defense, let me state for the record that he has suffered considerable hearing loss while in the service of protecting his country. I could certainly produce sworn affidavits from medical professionals to that effect if given the time. Ergo, he needs the volume of the television to be a little louder than usual. Did the invading police even wait to ascertain if what they heard was actually real? And, I would argue another scenario. If Donald had been watching a western, the investigating officers would have heard lots of loud gunfire. Would they have assumed that there was a whole mob of cowboys and Indians inside that small house? Your Honor, to put it succinctly, the police were completely negligent in their assessment of the entire situation.”

     Peter had slunk down in his seat and was trying to make himself less visible, as Neal, on a roll, grabbed a sheaf of papers from the table.

     “Your Honor, the Fourth Amendment of our Constitution is meant to protect the citizens of our great nation by prohibiting unreasonable searches and seizures, and requires any warrant to be judicially sanctioned and supported by probable cause. In this case, the officers had no warrant and no probable cause. Does a tiny dog’s innocent meanderings constitute probable cause? Does heavy breathing and excited sexual exuberance constitute probable cause? Probable cause should be based on an officer having a reasonable belief that a crime has been committed, or there is a need for expedient entry due to the presence of exigent circumstances as defined in _United States v. McConney._ ”

Neal began to quote the definition of “exigent circumstances” verbatim. Stopping to take a breath, he then hurried on. “A naughty dog or a naughty movie does not constitute exigent circumstances, Your Honor.

     Now, since the prosecuting attorney seems to be fixated on the DVD in question, if the Court will allow me, I can cite case law to put that to rest right now. In the 1914 case of _Weeks v. United States_ , the Court unanimously held that warrantless searches of a property and any items seized from a private residence constitutes a violation of the Fourth Amendment. So, the movie, whatever its content, should be entirely excluded from this case. 

     Another case on point is the 1995 Supreme Court decision in the case of _Wilson v. Arkansas_. Even if the patrolmen were in possession of a proper warrant, the Court still held that police officers must ‘knock and announce’ before entering a house to serve it. As everyone here agrees, they did not do so.”

     Judge Metcalf interrupted Neal as he was shuffling through his ream of papers.

     “I take it, young man, that you have more cases in that pile that you want to cite?”

     “Oh, yes Sir,” Neal answered ardently, “quite a few more!”

     “TJ,” the Judge smiled fondly, “I certainly applaud your zeal, but it’s time to ‘cease and desist’ because you have made your point. I must say, you are certainly a credit to Penn State Dickinson Law School, my boy. I have no doubt that you will make partner in your firm one day. Consider this case to be your very first in the plus column. I am dismissing all charges against the defendant, and am ordering that the police department of Altamont, Pennsylvania pay the injured dog’s vet bill as well as the cost of the damages to Mr. Pelham’s window and door. The defendant is free to go with the Court’s apologies.”

     Peter felt like he was having an out of body experience because he wasn’t sure exactly how it had happened. Later, as they waited in the car for Daniel Pelham to pack his meager belongings and collect his gimpy dog from the house, Peter had to ask.

     “Neal, did you call Mozzie to get all of that information about specific case law, or was that just something that you invented on the fly?”

     Neal looked like he may have been insulted. “Of course not, Peter! Would I lie to a judge?”

     When the FBI agent just snorted and rolled his eyes, Neal was determined to set his handler straight.

     “Peter, did I ever tell you about the time, some years back, that I was in Oxford, Mississippi?”

     “Please don’t,” Peter mumbled plaintively to no avail as Neal bulldozed ahead anyway.

     “I was working for Legal Aid representing an occasional defendant in circuit court, but, in my spare time, I also did proofreading for John Grisham, the lawyer turned popular author. He owns a house and lives in Oxford for part of the year. Maybe you’ve read some of his books or have seen the movies that have been made of them. A real A-list of actors starred in those movies like Tom Cruise, Matthew McConoughey, Matt Damon, and Denzel Washington, to name a few. There was ‘ _The Firm_ ,’ ‘ _The Client,’_ ‘ _The Pelican Brief,’_ and many, many more . Anyway, I mentally filed away a lot of Mr. Grisham’s really useful legal information for a rainy day. I guess today was a rainy day.”

     Peter’s jaw was hanging open and he seemed to have slipped into a fugue state. With an effort, he shook himself, and decided that he needed to clarify what he thought that he had heard.

     “Neal, you said that you ‘represented’ people in court. That implies that you were acting as a lawyer.”

     The young man smiled like a Cheshire Cat. “Yeah, Judge Metcalf was a little bit off about my judicial track record. Today was far from my first win in a court of law. Actually, I haven’t lost a case yet!”


End file.
